a
Drabble Squire
Hypnotized by drums, until forever comes
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Post by a on Oct 12, 2012 20:35:42 GMT -5
Title. Superhero (Cliche, I know. But I can't think of anything better)
Words: 456
Warning: Language
This isn't completed yet. Not again, I groan mentally; as I see five tight-wearing boys, enter the filthy alley. Along, with the tights, they had a cliché superhero cape. “Again?” Blonde groans, popping his hip out, sassily. “This has to be the fifth time in a month.” He runs a hand through his hair, and sighs, mournfully. ‘Ladies and Gentlemen… Niall Horan! He’s Irish, blonde, a Nineteen-year old boy, and saves the planet from villains. Never mind the fact he has an ego the size of Jupiter.’“Actually, Niall, it’s the third time in a month.” Liam says. Behind me, Louis tightens his hold on my wrist, a classic I’m-about-to-be-arrested pose. ‘He’s British, is the only boy in a family of girls, and has the best arse known to mankind! Louis Tomlinson, Ladies and Gentlemen! Next, is the lovely Liam Payne! British, tough as a nut, and gave blood for charity! Isn’t he just lovely, folks?‘“Whatever. Same thing.” Niall sneered, waving his hand in the air. “Right, Harry?” ‘Oh my, oh my, it’s Harry Styles, folks! He’s British, loves cats, and makes girls cry, out of pure hormones, when they see him. Unfortunately for womankind, he’s terrified of girls.’Niall looks at Harry, an expectant look on his face. He blushes and nods his head. “Um. Yeah.” He clears his throat, and licks his lip, nervous. “Let me go, Tomlinson.” I hiss. Louis scoffed, “No. For all we know, you could be dangerous, and plotting to kill us as of right now.” “Oh, but I am.” I muttered. Zayn rolls his eyes at me, and scoffs, the thought of it, preposterous. ‘Last, but not least, the lovely Zayn Malik! He’s British, quiet, and loves to read so much that he turns women (and us, men) down!’“I swear, I’m not going to kill you,” I say quickly, cutting Louis off from what was sure to be a rant, and added quietly, so only the six of us could hear, “Even if I did want to, I would be dead before I even touched you.” Niall smirks, “See, guys? She’s just weak. Barely can fight even.” I clench my fist, fuming. “This is why we men, are better than women.” He finished, a smug smile on his face. He did not just say that. Better yet, what was he even thinking? Liam muttered something about Niall having a death wish, and his balls to Zayn, whom giggled girlishly. Harry winces visibly, but says nothing, rather choosing to keep quiet so he wouldn’t have his balls chopped off and put on a porn website. Meanwhile, Louis releases me from his hold, mouthing dramatically at Niall to run. I glare at Niall, and moved closer, rubbing my wrists.. “Excuse me?” Dramatic pause. “What did you just say?” Niall gulps audibly, and laughs weakly. |
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Princess Cliche
Permanent Peasant and Servant to Timothy
I have challenged Skippa, and lived to tell the tale.
Posts: 471
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Post by Princess Cliche on Oct 12, 2012 21:57:55 GMT -5
Title. Superhero (Cliche, I know. But I can't think of anything better)
Words: 456
Warning: Language
This isn't completed yet. Not again, I groan mentally; as I see five tight-wearing boys, enter the filthy alley. Along, with the tights, they had a cliché superhero cape. “Again?” Blonde groans, popping his hip out, sassily. “This has to be the fifth time in a month.” He runs a hand through his hair, and sighs, mournfully. You used groan twice in the span of three sentences or so. Is there anything else you could have used? Er. Is your character male or female that's thinking this? Because it used 'us' when talking about men, and you refer to your narrator as 'she' later. I was kind of confused by the stuff in italics, but I guess it would make more sense if this wasn't an excerpt. |
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a
Drabble Squire
Hypnotized by drums, until forever comes
Posts: 244
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Post by a on Oct 12, 2012 23:48:24 GMT -5
It's a first draft, so.. Oh I didn't notice that, but now I think about it I can change that.
The first chapter is really just introducing the readers to 1D, but like I said, it's only the first draft. Ton of stuff will be added, anyway.
Like it or nay?
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Princess Cliche
Permanent Peasant and Servant to Timothy
I have challenged Skippa, and lived to tell the tale.
Posts: 471
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Post by Princess Cliche on Oct 13, 2012 11:02:06 GMT -5
Not the type of story I generally read, but I actually rather do like it.
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a
Drabble Squire
Hypnotized by drums, until forever comes
Posts: 244
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Post by a on Oct 13, 2012 12:36:57 GMT -5
well yeah, what i had in mind didn't fit with the plot. And I wanted the writing to be kind of simple, to show the humor more.
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Princess Cliche
Permanent Peasant and Servant to Timothy
I have challenged Skippa, and lived to tell the tale.
Posts: 471
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Post by Princess Cliche on Oct 13, 2012 17:39:09 GMT -5
No, no.
Don't take that offensively.
I just have a strange way of picking stories I read...
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a
Drabble Squire
Hypnotized by drums, until forever comes
Posts: 244
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Post by a on Oct 14, 2012 11:39:19 GMT -5
what? no no no. I'm not offended at all lol
and it's the first draft anyway
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a
Drabble Squire
Hypnotized by drums, until forever comes
Posts: 244
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Post by a on Oct 15, 2012 19:20:32 GMT -5
Edited:
Not again, I groan mentally; as I see five tight-wearing boys, enter the filthy alley. Along, with the tights, they had a cliché superhero cape, which, if you look at the time, isn’t really appropriate evening wear. But, I shouldn’t be even talking since I look like I’m going to kill someone, and leave the body in an alley.
Bad choice of words, I know, since I’m in said alley with a scantily covered woman, and her creepy captor – who is currently knocked out on the concrete floor, snoring loudly. What used to be a rat was lying near his head.
“Again?” Niall said, as soon as I enter his line of vision, and places his hand on his hip. “This has to be the fifth time in a week.” He runs a hand through his blonde hair, and sighs, not noticing the frightened woman, or her knocked-out captor.
“Actually, Niall, it’s the third time in a week.” Zayn says, rolling his eyes. Behind me, the woman looks between us, drooling at the sight of Niall’s admittedly flawless face. Not that I’ll ever tell him, anyway, since he has a huge ego. He wasn’t the one I found the most attractive out of the bunch, regardless of what he and million of women, thought otherwise.
“Whatever. Same thing.” Niall sneered, waving his hand in the air. “Right, Harry?” He looked at Harry, an expectant look on his face.
Harry blushes, mortified at being the spot of attention, and nodded his head quickly. “Um. Yeah.” He said, slowly, and tugs on his white shirt, nervously.
“What do you guys want, anyway?” I say, annoyed. “I don’t need help, so you guys can go, and do whatever you do in your free time, anyway.”
Huh, look where I am right now, rejecting them in an alley, when most women (scratch that, I mean preteen girls) would give anything to meet them, or, to get a glimpse of their – and, I quote – ‘god-sculpted face’.
“Don’t listen to her. She’s just a weak female that desperately needs help, but is afraid to ask for it, and besides, who are we to leave a young women and her friend alone with a villain?” he paused, and winked at the women, earning a girlish giggle from her, in return. “Why, I think we would shame mankind, by not aiding two helpless females.”
I was livid, and outraged (and tired, but you didn’t hear that from me), but most of all - I wasn’t thinking, at all. I mean, after all, what female would be, if they were insulted to their face, and were basically told they were nothing compared to men. And, now when you take that in consideration, I think you can hardly blame me for what happened next.
Suddenly, it was like everything was in slow motion, but me. I lunged at Niall (and maybe, while I was there in midair, to kick him in the balls) – not giving him a chance to explain himself, and, almost like instinct, he covered Niall Jr.
I could hear Liam sigh from where he was leaned against the alley wall, and, muttered something about Niall having a death wish. I saw Harry wince, but said nothing, like usual, rather choosing to keep quiet so he wouldn’t have his balls chopped off, and put on a porn website.
I saw Louis’ bemused expression - as I lunged at Niall - as he paused in his conversation with Zayn, to watch Niall be beaten by a girl. I met Zayn’s soulful eyes, as he tried to grab me midair, but to my delight, it failed.
And…. suddenly, it was like everything was back to normal speed.
I’ll admit it, I forgot about the women, when I really shouldn’t have. But, you have to remember that I was tired, and I just wanted to go home to the comfort of my bed, and just forget about seeing One Direction, with a cup of homemade hot chocolate.
So, you could say in a way, I was surprised when she jumped on me – tarzan style. She swung her arms around my neck; her legs wrapped around my waist, and started to hit me.
“No!” She shrieked, a crazy look in her blue eyes. “Not my precious! No, no!!”
“Someone get this crazy lady off me!” I paused, terrified. “Before she kills me! Or, worse… tells the fans!”
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a
Drabble Squire
Hypnotized by drums, until forever comes
Posts: 244
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Post by a on Oct 15, 2012 19:21:20 GMT -5
huh. it was longer on WORD
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Princess Cliche
Permanent Peasant and Servant to Timothy
I have challenged Skippa, and lived to tell the tale.
Posts: 471
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Post by Princess Cliche on Oct 16, 2012 10:05:53 GMT -5
Dang, Izzy. When you edit, you really edit. Lol.
This draft is much, much better. It flows easier and makes more sense.
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a
Drabble Squire
Hypnotized by drums, until forever comes
Posts: 244
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Post by a on Oct 16, 2012 19:38:54 GMT -5
This isn't even the final draft omg
but I'm thinking of changing the Is to the OFC's name, because it'll be easier for me
i don't even know the OFC's name yet lol
thanks omg~
i'm a master at editing
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Princess Cliche
Permanent Peasant and Servant to Timothy
I have challenged Skippa, and lived to tell the tale.
Posts: 471
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Post by Princess Cliche on Oct 16, 2012 21:28:14 GMT -5
There is one minor bit I would change,though (I just noticed it. Lol.)
'I saw Louis’ bemused expression - as I lunged at Niall - as he paused in his conversation with Zayn'
Maybe to 'I saw Louis' bemused expression- while I lunged at Niall- as he paused in his conversation with Zayn'
Idk.
Having as twice in the sentence so close together sounds repetive and dull.
Idk.
Bahaha.
It's okay.
I haven't figured out the name for my OFC in CoaUJ yet, either.
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a
Drabble Squire
Hypnotized by drums, until forever comes
Posts: 244
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Post by a on Oct 18, 2012 20:52:43 GMT -5
yeah i was thinking of that
i think i'll change that so it sounds better
i know omg
and i haven't figured out who the OFC should be with
I'm thinking either Niall (because he's so cocky in this) but not Harry because everyone pairs their OFC with him or Zayn
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Princess Cliche
Permanent Peasant and Servant to Timothy
I have challenged Skippa, and lived to tell the tale.
Posts: 471
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Post by Princess Cliche on Oct 19, 2012 17:52:45 GMT -5
Yeah...I'm guilty of that.
Or, I create some complicated love triangle with Harry/Liam or Zayn/Liam. Oops. Poor Liam...
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a
Drabble Squire
Hypnotized by drums, until forever comes
Posts: 244
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Post by a on Oct 21, 2012 0:18:29 GMT -5
I have never seen a love triangle with liam
or if i have
its usually with harry/ofc
and whoops
i just deleted the whole thing
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