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Post by Captain America on Sept 27, 2012 17:21:27 GMT -5
Title: Paper Airplanes Rating: idek know yet Warnings: it's about 9/11 so if you get offended or sad or something, please do not read Word Count: 182, I'm sorry, I was just wondering about the style and stuff cause I normally write in first person. Paper Airplanes
Louis Tomlinson struggled to stand up straight as he shuffled in through the door. Ayoung man, most likely the teacher, ushered Mr. Tomlinson to a comfy computer chair in the front of the room. he put down his brown wooden cane, allowing it to lean against the podium settled in front of him.
"Sir, are you alright?" The man asked him, adjusting Mr. Tomlinson's chair so he could face the students eagerly waiting for him to begin. some sat quietly, simply watching the old man, while others tapped their foot impatiently.
And then we have the others. The ones who are ignoring their surroundings, merely focusing on their phones or ipods or anything of the sort.
Louis nodded his head slowly, letting his glasses slide down the bridge of his nose. pushing them back up, he grinned widely, making the wrinkles in the corners of his mouth prominent.
"I'm alright, thank you for asking," Louis informed him, his voice quiverring. It was obvious that he wasn't alright, but this story was meant to be told. It had to be.
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Post by levi on Sept 27, 2012 17:27:31 GMT -5
I recommend you post this is The Shredder as well,
Shorter excerpts go there but the critiques are more in depth and detailed.
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Post by Captain America on Sept 27, 2012 17:29:52 GMT -5
k thanks Levi I'm still getting used to this shit.
the shredder scares me, but here I go
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Post by Timothy on Sept 27, 2012 17:31:28 GMT -5
Wait I'll just move the topic.
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Post by Timothy on Sept 27, 2012 18:32:51 GMT -5
As per your concerns, I've focused solely on grammar flow and stylistic choice for this shred.
A minor typo here with 'A young man' where you missed a space and a missed capitalization at the beginning of the last sentence. It's unclear here whether the teacher or Louis are putting down their cane.
Why is the man adjusting his chair? Why can't Louis do it? Again, missed capitalization at the beginning of the last sentence.
The punctuation here feels off; I don't think there should be a comma between surroundings and merely. You start off making the sentences choppy and clipped which really works for what you're trying to achieve, but by placing the comma here the sentence feels run on-ish and frumpy.
Missed capitalization on pushing. Again I feel like the commas are misplaced and splicing up the sentence. The one between up and he should be removed.
Quivering. Everything else in this part is ok.
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Post by ladystrawberry on Sept 27, 2012 18:53:35 GMT -5
Skipper pretty much covered what I was going to say. c:
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Post by Captain America on Sept 27, 2012 18:55:30 GMT -5
hey Skipper and Maria can I steal one of you to have as a beta? cause I love you both & you're both amazing so....
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Post by Timothy on Sept 27, 2012 18:58:05 GMT -5
I can only beta on a chapter by chapter basis. If you're okay with that then sure, alright, steal me (:
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Post by Captain America on Sept 27, 2012 18:59:00 GMT -5
*le steals*
I am a fairly lazy person so you won't get a chapter too often. only bits and pieces
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Post by Timothy on Sept 27, 2012 19:00:28 GMT -5
Alright (: I'll PM you my email. It's easier for me to keep up with my projects that way.
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Post by ladystrawberry on Sept 27, 2012 19:02:10 GMT -5
Skipper will make a wonderful beta. c:
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Post by Timothy on Sept 27, 2012 19:03:21 GMT -5
Skipper is a kickass beta but I just never know if I can take on long projects because my schedule can get weird haha
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Post by Captain America on Sept 27, 2012 19:03:47 GMT -5
yay I'm so excited!
and Maria I love your avatar
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Post by ladystrawberry on Sept 27, 2012 19:07:42 GMT -5
I need a name for the cat.
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Post by Captain America on Sept 27, 2012 19:08:44 GMT -5
his name is Pink Jeffery js
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