[Original] Behind Closed Doors

[Maya Your queen.]

*cough* Excerpt *cough*

I slid my hand across the wooden boarder, Dancing my fingers across the piano keys. A soft melody was floating in the air.
Your terrible.
"No. Please, Not today" I said softly, I didn't want to upset her.
Suddenly, Holland was standing in the doorway.
"Hey Em." She said in a high-pitched sing-song voice. Holland was always happy, That's why Naya doesn't like her.
"Where's your mum?" She looked around the room.
"Um.. I think she left a little while ago, To the grocery store." I whispered, Trying to focus on the piano.
Get rid of her, I don't want her here.
Fine.
"Holland, I'm really busy right now, Can you come back later?"
She gave me a sympathetic look, nodded, then left.
Thank you.
I yawned,
"I think in going to take a nap.." I mumbled,
No.
Naya pushed me backwards, I hit my head on the table.
We are not taking a nap right now.
"Okay, I'm sorry" I felt tears forming in my eyes,
Ugh. Don't be such a baby Em, You can definetly take the heat.
"I know," I wiped the tears aways and forced a smile.
"Are you okay love?" My mum's subtle voice always calmed me.
I nodded,
"Did you take your medication this morning?"
Lie, Tell her you did.
"Of course!" Naya smiled.
Good.
"Lunch will be ready at 4." She gave me a warm smile and hesitantly left.

So This was just an excerpt... Critique away Bug-a-boos (;

[Captain America]

It's good but
I think you should add more detail
and yeah
a few gramatical errors, but those are easy to fix
uhm
I think that's all

[Maya Your queen.]

I need office word.
Badly.
Do you think I should make this a 1dff story?
Cause Everyone is posting about It and Im over hur with original.

[avalicious]

Yeah

a few grammatical errors

Easy fixes. Basically everything Des said. Because I think you should give a little bit more of a detailed description of her surroundings. You want readers to feel what she feels.

[Maya Your queen.]

Thanks my dears..
I will edit this later.

[Timothy]

I slid my hand across the wooden boarder, Dancing my fingers across the piano keys. A soft melody was floating in the air.
Your terrible.

"No. Please, Not today" I said softly, I didn't want to upset her.
Suddenly, Holland was standing in the doorway.
"Hey Em." She said in a high-pitched sing-song voice. Holland was always happy, That's why Naya doesn't like her.
"Where's your mum?" She looked around the room.
"Um.. I think she left a little while ago, To the grocery store." I whispered, Trying to focus on the piano.
Get rid of her, I don't want her here.
Fine.
"Holland, I'm really busy right now, Can you come back later?"
She gave me a sympathetic look, nodded, then left.
Thank you.
I yawned,
"I think in going to take a nap.." I mumbled,
No.
Naya pushed me backwards, I hit my head on the table.
We are not taking a nap right now.
"Okay, I'm sorry" I felt tears forming in my eyes,
Ugh. Don't be such a baby Em, You can definetly take the heat.
"I know," I wiped the tears aways and forced a smile.
"Are you okay love?" My mum's subtle voice always calmed me.
I nodded,
"Did you take your medication this morning?"
Lie, Tell her you did.
"Of course!" Naya smiled.
Good.
"Lunch will be ready at 4." She gave me a warm smile and hesitantly left.

First, when you have a word that comes after a comma it does not need to be capitalized unless it is a proper noun. A comma does not function as a period does. I also don't feel the separation of the MC's MPD. Try not to rely on italics so much to 'show' the alter's feelings. The character's disorder makes them naturally rife with internal conflict. I don't feel that conflict with her at all when I'm just getting italicized sentences.

I'm also going to say that I agree with the others that there should be more description and detail. The dialogue is nice, but it needs more feeling and more background to take it from being the skeleton it is at the moment into a fully fleshed out story.

I also suggest keeping it as an original work. Challenge yourself! Don't conform!

[Maya Your queen.]

Kay Kay Boo.