[Original] Hide and Seek

[Timothy]

whoop whoop thread whoring

Levi told me to write worse so here is some of my original fiction to shred. I suck at original fiction.

Julian stands before me now having finally found me, his brow flecked with sweat and his eyes full of fear and desperation. I wish I could find a better hiding place a world apart from here, a place so impossible that I would never, ever have to see him like this again. I begin to sink and Rosi catches me, guiding me to a chair near the vanity. My hand flutters over my stomach and suddenly I am certain that my dress is too tight, my body too big and my heart too full of ugliness to deserve something so beautiful. My focus slides in and out and I look back up at Julian. He's still standing in the doorway. His face has fallen but he is reluctant to retreat.

“Es tut mir leid,” I say in a whisper.

Julian nods his head. “Okay.”

He's gone so fast that I wonder if he was ever there at all. Rosi's fingers are in my hair again, working the knotted braids past perfection as nervously as I feel. She is talking about something, anything but what has happened and I am grateful for it. I pick at the lace of my dress, curious as to why Julian was in a sweat, asking myself if he ran to me now only to say I love you too late. Rosi squeezes my shoulder reassuringly.

“Christoph loves you, too,” she says. “And you love Christoph.”

He does. I do. But my eyes still sting when I squeeze them shut.

All my life I have been playing hide and seek and now, the game is over.

Everybody free.

[levi]

Sept 27, 2012 22:59:38 GMT -5 Timothy said:

Julian stands before me now having finally found me

Oh no this is going to be in present tense isnt it? Save me now.

his brow flecked with sweat and his eyes full of fear and desperation.

Due to writing in present tense, when describing his eyes it seems as though a verb is missing to describe them and makes the sentence sound incomplete.

My hand flutters over my stomach and suddenly I am certain that my dress is too tight, my body too big and my heart too full of ugliness to deserve something so beautiful.

Why no comma after my body too big?

“Es tut mir leid,” I say in a whisper.

Julian nods his head. “Okay.”

Pick a language please and stick to it.

Rosi's fingers are in my hair again, working the knotted braids past perfection as nervously as I feel.

I know I already brought this up, but this sentence sounds so choppy and bad because it is in present tense.

Everybody free.

But me of this present tense.




Overall the piece was very confusing and I had a hard time following. That may be because it was an excerpt though. The writing style could have been greatly improved had it been written in past tense. I find present tense to be an almost cop out to real writing and description. I suggest going back and changing the tense of the piece.

[Timothy]

Are you happy now, Levi? That my writing sucks? Cause I posted this for you so that you could see that I sucked.

I WILL NOT PICK A LANGUAGE. They are two bilingual people. Nyaaaaaaa.

Also my sincerest apologies for my peasant comma use. This was written before I converted to Team Oxford Comma.

PS Everybody free is something you say to end a session of hide and seek. Did you have no childhood.

[Sienna]

On the contrary, I feel like writing in present tense is more advanced than past tense, if you do it well. It's hard to write in present tense and make it all flow properly.

[Timothy]

*is now conflicted over use of first person*

Idk. I had just read The Hunger Games when I wrote this. It was impossible to write in another tense.